Love ASL! No, love the one who created it!

So I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed about having a Sign Language Mission. It is such a hard language, and so much of the church is not physical, which is what the majority of the language. What if I offend someone, and the whole deaf community doesn't like me and hates the church? Agh! I tried signing one of the articles of faith, and completely failed miserably. I was so discouraged. But I watched some LDS hymns online signed, like I believe in Christ, and from the children's hymnbook I Feel My Savior's Love. Instead of focusing on what I didn't know, I watched for what I did, and I copied the signer. And just a feeling of peace came over me.
Sidenote- I used to think having peace was one of the not-so-cool things of the Holy Ghost, just cuz its not this overwhelming feeling, and a voice or a vision or a burning of the bosom would be so cool. But yesterday in my Institute Mission Prep, Brother Evenson told us that peace was the best gift because it is the one thing that Satan is forbidden and cannot counterfeit. How cool right? The calming of the mind and of the spirit and of the heart is always a gift, and it is always from Him. We talked about how the Holy Ghost, before being baptized or away from the church, shows up in your life as lightning. Whereas, living in the gospel, its much more like having the sun out the whole time. The light of Christ is constant, and most of the time its just everpresent in your thoughts and mind. Yes, lightning seems at first more remarkable, but it is not constant, and we can't hlp lead the way for others if we constantly are waiting for "a flash."
I am so excited to Preach the Gospel of Christ. I shouldn't worry about who I'm going to teach it, or how I'm going to teach it. It is truth, and I treasure it, and people will be able to feel and sense the honest joy and happiness that the gospel has to offer. Yes, His servant will never fully be qualified to preach the message, but neither will the people receiving the message be. He knows that, and its because of our imperfectness that connects us all in our need for His grace. I can't wait.

Dumb blonde destined to Die alone!!

Dumb dumb dumb!! Well I just screwed up majorly on the one thing I love: swingdancing. I completely gave a bloody nose to some kid in my class whilst attempting to do some stupid lift. Ugh, why can't I be smaller/shorter/littler/more cooardinated!! Gag, well, that ruined that one! And on top of that, ugh, what I wouldn''t give to be able to have Aaron dance with me the entire time... bad bad bad, but man if I could always be my partner, we just, fit. Not good, I know, but just sayin, we dance great together.

Can he be funny AND gorgeous?

So I have my mission call. Wrote all about that on paper, its great. So, I know that things are supposed to be hard, I kind of expected them to be, I know its bad, but I kinda hoped they would be. So that way I could sort of prove that I was going to make a difference. Of course, Satan knows this, so he's done nothing, at least that's what I can tell. But I have noticed that I have become Sooo much more moody. I get irritated easily, and I have less motivation to do something productive... this is not good. Worst of all, Aaron seems to care so much, and Clayton is the exact opposite. The guy I have wants me afterwards, and I'm not sure I feel the same. Whereas, the guy I had before is going to settle down and marry before I even get back. Super! No, it easily might not work out with him, and that's okay, the older I get, the more I realize how little I knew about him and him with me. But just to know what would've happened!! Kills me. I don't feel that way about Aaron. He's different, and we have such a fun friendship, but we just don't quite,, mesh. I'm different, and not in a bad way, but to where there could be potential problems. I can't have someone with that silent confidence, and not so big an ego. I would rather not to be the wild one in a relationship;) I need someone crazy, but can help hold me down to earth. But boy, I was star-struck with Clayton's blue eyes, and his smile, and his voice. I just hope its possible to feel that much emotion towards someone who will treasure me & respect my friendship as Aaron.... and love me back. That might be a bit much to ask for, but I don't know. Ugh, I just, wish I could have him see me before I left, so he could see me grown up. We were so cute, but it was obvious that I loved him more. I wish I could just see him and see through a newer, more sensitive and perceptive perception. Aaron is fun cuz I feel I can predict him, but I hate having to always feel like I have to prove myself to him, like I have to be on my best behavior all the time, always coming up with something new and cool and unique. With Clayton, I could just be dumb, and he'd laugh about it with me. And he knew how to sweet talk~ Aaron has no clue. I've saved both of their texts, but for different reasons. Aaron's bring back memories, Clayton's bring back emotions and feelings. Jessica Ricks. Jessica Russell. Yup, definitely the latter... sad thing is, their both gonna be gone by the time I get back. Worse, I'd only care if one was still there once I get back. Ugh, why do I miss him? Imight just miss what we had, what I felt, so they tell me. It's just been so long, it scares me to feel anything when I know that he easily might not anymore. Stupid time. Time wares on everything in Mortality. It's either always moving too fast or too slow; it can never be satisfactory. I know I'll get married; its just this in-between stuff kinda is lame. Longing hurts so much more than dreading. Sorry babe, I'm so glad no one will ever see this other than myself. I'm too dramatic. I'm sure i'll give my great-great granddaughters a run for their money. I just beg my Father in Heaven that whoever I love will love me back with a love that drenches my love for him.

PS- you can't speak Sign Language

SO, I got my mission call- correction, the Lord's call- last Friday! Looks like I'm needed in San Fernando, California. Catch, you'll preaching in American Sign Language. This is perfect the "ideal mission" as my mom likes to call it. I need to know sign language for my major, Special Ed. I'm not going foreign, so my mom doesn't have to be concerned for me dying on my mission, right? California, gorgeous year round. My best friend Sydney wanted ASL speaking, so bad... so I should be thrilled about it right? Okay, don't start judging me, cuz I AM thrilled! It's just, k, judge me computer I dare you, but I don't do well with rich people. Send me to some humble people and I will love them. They have nothing, I have nothing, it works perfect. I feel comfortable with them and are welcome to share part of my soul with them. But, California, I'm near like HOLLYWOOD!! I can fake confidence, but these people are movie stars and I'm gonna kill them!!!! I don't want to share the gospel with these snotty-nose rich brats! They're not gonna want to hear me! Alma 26:11-I am nothing, but God is all so I will boast of my God. That's my scripture, that's me. How can I face these beach-blonde perfect worldy people and share a part of my tender testimony with them? They're NOT gonna want to listen to me,; I'm not like them. And yes, ASL is perfect for my major, that is great, but they don't understand!! The Deaf Culture is, so different. It's either I'm gonna make it in there or they're not gonna want to accept me at all. Sydney is better at signing then I ever was- so was Cory and Rachel. And even if I get good at it, because I know the Spirit can make marvelous things happen, I'm gonna have to leave these people. I LOVE people; I give 'em my heart. I'm not sappy, but I WILL love and protect and take care of them forever. Bring on the storm, I won't leave ya. But I'm gonna be traveling everywhere, and what if I have to give up people?? I don't want to give up investigators!! I can speak English, I know English, I feel confident that through the Spirit, I can bring in the right atmosphere to make them feel something. What if I have to give them up to "English speaking" missionaries? I just have to keep reminding myself that they are the Lord's children. If they reject me, they are rejecting Him. And they are His children, and I'm supposed to teach the ones He NEEDS me to teach, not who I want to teach. They are all His children. It's just, if I'm being honest with myself and you, I'm scared of a people that could so easily reject me. If I'm not good enough. If they don't catch my sincerity. I'm tough when I need to be, but I'm passionate and emotional ina way that I cannot NOT connect with you in some way. Its gonna be okay, no its gonna be great, I know that. And I love the Lord, specifically He gave me this mission because although it seems easy enough to everyone else, He KNOWS this is gonna work me through the fire, but I can't wait to see the diamond afterwords. Thanks, I love you Heavenly Father, and thanks, for knowing what I need, not what I desire.

Forget a Prince- I want a Man

As a kid of the 90's, I am one of the many who will forever treasure the Disney movies. Why are we so attached to these "kid movies" still twenty years later? Because of one constant factor that isn't compliant with reality, simplicity. There is always one princess, one prince, one villain, and one happy ending. It's perfect, innocent love that makes sense, and it always wins out in the end because its the right thing. This is when, in college, you cling more to these movies then ever, because, unlike real life, you know exactly how to get to that happy ending. Reality just has too many factors. You can love someone dearly, but they leave, and as much as you fight it, you can't help but fall in love again. How can you possibly know who is your true love? Notice, Disney skipped the beginning & most important part of a relationship, the friendship. One day they are strangers, the next day they have their first kiss, at the alter. Disney was smart this way, because now they have no background. No secrets, letdowns, pre-breakups, or mixed feelings. It's as black and white as the mouse that started it. Life, real life; now that's colorful. But its the color that makes it more meaningful. Its because you have so many chances & so many emotions that when you find your "one," you have a crazy-filled past that your future is A white canvas just itching to be splattered with more memories. It often sounds so much less romantic; I'd hands down always choose to ride off in a pumpkin carriage with a prince in white over grocery shopping at Smith's and sorting laundry while watching Ellen. But here's the thing, I don't want my scrapbook pages to end with a "Happily Ever After" immediately after the toss of my bridal bouquet. I'm not okay with a husband who only knows how to smile and fight a dragon. I want to have tickle fights over the remote, argue over who's turn it is to feed the baby, and tease about who's gonna need to get dentures first. I want my husband to have the power to calm my fits, and I better have the power to set him off. We'll burn meals together, get lost in the rain together, and laugh all the way through it. So ya, Disney does make falling in love seem easy and perfect, but if my true love was really that simple, it wouldn't be worth it.

True Aggie!... Not.

The past few days have been fun! It was both the Homecoming Dance and the Homecoming game. The dance was fun, and the whole time I wasn't sure whether not I was gonna become a "true aggie." I ended up giving one boy named Sean my number, and earlier a man had come up to me & complimented me on my dance moves, assuring me that lots of boys would want to help me become a "true aggie"... well that was a self-confidence booster!! However, I decided not to... why I can't quite bring myself. It was a two hour wait after midnight, and I didn't have any boys to go with, and I didn't want to make my roommate Keshele (who has never kissed a boy) wait for me cuz I drove... and then there was Aaron... who previously asked me not to, saying it would devastate him. I know I didn't do it for him though, I stopped myself for me. I didn't want someone who could care less about my name suckin on my face! Then the game was yesterday, Saturday. It POURED the entire time!!!! We ended the game 70 to 6 (the smooth quarterback slipped the ball and Weber grabbed it and made a touchdown, but missed the field-goal, so we still beat Utah's record against them). Me & Keshele toughed it out the whole time, and I gotta wear my sweet jacket. Today was our first day at church here, and it was nice... tooo bad its one boy for every 7 girls... =p Then celebrated Sam's 17 birthday. It was great.

Being blessed vs being guarded

Seven, it's  solid number. A week's seven days, the best shoe size, and about the time it takes to shave your legs. Yesterday, I was seven steps away to getting hit by a car. Reality check,.. actually, more like a reality face plant. I'm a few feet from the crosswalk when I hear a snap. Turn around, and there's a guy on the ground, skateboard snapped in half. I didn't turn cuz I heard the car screech, and the man never screamed. It was noise of that snap that turned me around . The man, getting up, never turned around, so I never saw his legs, or his hands, or his face. From the back, nothing seemed broken, but as he was ushered into the driver's car to go to the InstaCare, I noticed his broken skateboard laying on the side of the road. Walking away I had two thoughts in my head; what if it hadn't of been the skateboard, and God watches over his missionaries. Yes, God will give you bless you for doing righteous things, of this I have a testimony. But it's when you ARE righteous that you are guarded, watched, and protected over. This is why our Father doesn't want us to act as good people, he wants us to BE good people. It's funny how you'll never have time to hurry and do a good deed immediately before needing to reap that reward, that's why we need to do it everyday whenever we can. Then God's grace can protect us constantly, and not just a one time deal.

Country Cowboys

Swing dancing-also known as flying. For a random girl with way too much passion, its definitely too close to what I would think “being high” feels like. Let me rephrase that, it’s one of those moments that make up for all of  the crappy ones. When you wanna die, go swing dancing. I’ve danced with about four boys a few times, and I can truly only remember one name, NOT GOOD. In normal society, this would be quite offensive; in swing dancing, if you good & know how to smile, they’ll forgive you in a heartbeat. It’s really one of the only things I’ve ever REALLY loved AND been good at as well.

This leads up to what I’m grateful for today.. the priesthood. How do these connect? Simple- the male species=) While being away from home, it surprises me how much I’m reminded of what the priesthood does for boys. I mean, high school, yess, they are sweet & goofy & caring. But when they come back from a mission, holy tamole, it it UNREAL how different they are (in a good way). Now they get it! Unlike girls who’ve been dreaming to get married all their lonely lives, guys don’t even register this future commitment until after they’ve been smakcked around by the Lord for two years. But once they’re back, then they know what they want, or better yet, what they need! No more hotties, they are looking for good-wife material. Short tops & mini skirts aren’t cutting it for these men any more. So now that they finally see all of us cute-but-not-sexy-hot girls are the way to go (bout time!) they treasure you while still treasuring God. Girls, you KNOW your man is a keeper when he can baptize you and confirm you, and eventually, call you through the veil. That’s how mine will be: I want my man to be so strong in the gospel (though physical is a necessity as well) that he will drag yo kicking and screaming to the celestial kingdom. Its easy to sweep youd off your feet, but once you’re in their arms, you wanna make sure they can carry you to the temple. Otherwise, not worth it.