Goals vs Dreams

So, I went on this date with this black kid I met on the bus named Billy. That... was an interesting date, no ice cream, just talked on the balcony, held my hand, leaned on my neck, tried to kiss me... Yeah. Ignoring those weird parts, when I would talk, he would sincerely listen to me. He asked me about my goals and aspirations, and it really got me thinking. I know I'm going into Special Education, it always fit, but I've really kinda sat down and thought out what my dreams are and what my goals are (2 very different things). "Dreams can inspire you, but goals can change your life."
Well, my goal is to be a high school special education teacher. Logically, it is hard to explain a dream, since it is more than desire that is driving you. For me, it was thrown out to me as an option, and the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to fit me. God gave me the gift of charity, and I have always been able to sincerely love those who struggle to be accepted in this world. I want to inspire people, always have always will. I can connect with people, listen to them and see their perspectives. And I am tough. Maybe not as the world sees it but I can take care of myself, and that is mandatory for this job. It is uncommon if a Special Needs teacher doesn't end up in the ICU at the hospital a few times every few years. It may sound like a sweet, innocent job, and it definitely has its rewards. However, you cannot be a sappy emotional girl when dealing with mentally handicapped kids, who are more often then not much bigger and much stronger than you. I've always wanted to teach, "when you can't do, teach," right? Nah, I really just feel like I could go home every day and know that I helped make a difference in the world, even if it is forgotten tomorrow. Plus with my ASL mission and all, I just, I feel like I was made for this job.
Anyhow, okay, so my Dreams in a nutshell are:

• Marry my Jim Craig
• Have my own dogs/horses
• Have five kids- three boys, two girls
• Teach Special Ed kids in a high school
• Own a boat
• Get a swing
• Have a cabin
• Attempt surfing
• Drive a jeep
• Travel
• Become a phenomenal ukulele playa

My goals in a nutshell are:

• Serve an LDS mission
• Marry in the temple
• Earn my degree
• Have a family
• Work with Special Needs kids
• Serve a couple mission
• Love every enemy
• Have my boys serve God
• Die before my husband
• Reach the highest degree of glory in the Celestial kingdom
• Become like my Father

Brooke... When did cross a line?

So, for Halloween, I went down to Brooke's (even though I was going to go to the dance and try and meet up with Dane) but she said she'd hook me up with this cute kid and we could double with her and her boyfriend Jordan. So, I get down there, and it turns out that two other people were gonna come down. They apparently were just "friends"... Lie. They were most definitely a couple. So then there's two couples, and me... awesome. So we carve pumpkins, and I do my best to be a good sport and not weird about it. Yeah, ha. Funny. Afterwards, we decide to watch a movie. Haha, even better. So they start seriously looking into scary movies, and I'm convinced that I won't be able to do it. The other girls had some boy to hold on to, not the loser sittin in the corner against the wall. Finally, we settle for Ghostbusters. Ok, I can do ghostbusters. False- they start snuggling on the couch while the other two are on the beanbag doing the same thing, so I shoot brooke a text. We come up with an excuse to go outside to the cars. We get up on the deck and holds me and keeps apologizing while I struggle to keep it together. She didn't mean to. She didn't get it. Told her it wasn't on purpose, but I had to go. So much for sleepover, I was going home. So its about eleven thirty-ish and I sit in my car and call Aaron once, twice, shoot a text, call again. Nothin. I was so frustrated and upset. So I drove through the canyon around midnight, parked at McDonalds, got a fry, and called Aaron crying. He's cute, but he didn't know what to say. I didn't know what he could say. Its just lonely, and I missed him, I missed being held. Made it home around 1. Then today (Saturday, November 2) We went up for Ann's baptism. I sang, and didn't completely botch it so that was nice. But Brooke came up with Jordan. I was fine, til I looked out the window of Brooke's room and watched them. They seriously looked married with Nathan and Adam as their kids. Throwing leaves in eachother's faces, down shirts, and he was always constantly rubbing her back. She wouldn't leave his side. Psh, I wouldn't either. I am happy for her, I don't mean to sound like I'm not. Its just, difficult because now we're choosing separate paths, and right now I'm sacrificing while she's loving it. It'll swap I know, and I don't regret anything. Merely, right now its just hard to watch her and see how it could've been with me.

Suck it up, Buttercup

Okay, I apologize ahead at this time. If you continue reading, it is at your own default. But I'm gonna kill my roommate. Roommates. I really am. If there's one thing I cannot STAND, it is pessimists. They critique girls for being so judgmental with their gossip, but all they do is razz on them and razz on people. THEY'RE the snobs, right along with the people they are judging. (Wow, I know I sound like such a hypocrite at this time. Judge not. I am not perfect. I screw up right along if not a ton more than a lot of people. I can be a dumb blonde and I am often wrong and most of the time do not know the whole story. I accept that.) Here's the thing though, these girls have been so oppressed for so long, they do not speak up. That is, until they come home to me, where they just go on AND on about how people have screwed up their day. Get over it! You're not perfect, apparently neither are they! Get over yourself. I am constantly astounded by people with the opinions that the world is supposed to work for them, and if it doesn't, they know how to vocalize it. HULLO! Shocking, as it must be, you are not God's only creation. Trust me, the pictures much bigger than you. Stop putting up a pity party for yourself, and placing the blame on everybody else on how you turned out. Suck it up girl, toughen up, and try to understand the concept that you have accept the world, the world does not have to accept you. Ya its hard. Guess what, you don't have to decide whether or not you'll steal to eat, or to take your child of off Life Support, or whether or not you'll make it home alive today. So stop whining about dumb people forgetting to fill up your water cup, and stop placing all of your insecurities and lack of assurance on your parents. Be your own person. Forgive them for what they didn't give you, and go get it yourself. Your a big girl; if you don't want them to own you, then mentally you gotta move out and stop asking for their help! It just kills me the lack of autonomy and self purpose these girls have. If you whine one more time I'm gonna smack ya. Life could be so much harder, and you know what, its only gonna get worse. So buckle down and start looking for your sunshine. If you only notice the clouds, then how can you help another person to find the sun. Jeez Louise man. Sorry, I'll probably end up deleting this. But I promise myself, I will NEVER be like them. I will never be so caught up in the my miny horrors of life that I lose all power of self purpose and self mastery. And how can you do that if all you do is judge them for their faults and their flaws. Yes I am digging a hole here, and although they've both ttold me their horror stories growing up with teary half an hour stories, I don't know their life story and I don't know their internal struggles. They are wonderful beautiful daughters of God. I just, am not like them, and am tired of being bogged dwon with the never ending-relentless continuous wave of negativity and dronage.

And WHERE were you in high school?

So, looks like I have men. What witchcraft is this??? The worse thing is that I wonder if its how Satan is trying to get to me, so I worry that  I'm gonna get back and have no one looking for marriage when I'm actually looking for it! Ah well. I figured I'd give you a fast update.

1. Aaron: looks like I'm still gonna go on dates with. Ya, not sure what to say here. He's my best friend. Who knows after that?
2. Dane: met carving pumpkins at megan. SUPER flirtatious, and pretty dang cute!! Looks like a younger version of Neil Caffrey. No idea, but at least didn't ditch after mentioning mish!
3. Sean: met at Homecoming Dance. Gone "out" twice. Eh not really my type, but its fun cuz he's totally chill with just being whatever with me, so that makes sense right? =)
4. Jeremy: Gave a bloody nose swing dancing. Super flirtatious, like over the top. Nice guy, but not really any chemistry between me & him.
5. Dave: Dang good dance partner, but kinda has a little creeper feel towards him. Sorry. Got nothing. Says im not his type, but he kinda won't leave me alone.
6. Brayden: Only see swing dancing. Nice, but same thing, no chemistry, plus mish.
7. Jonathon: Sweet kid, cute & tall. That's all he's got goin for him, no personality...
8. Clayton: Where are you kid? Who are you? Who am I? Guess we'll never know! Sorry Dad.

But hey, I didn't have half this number a year ago. So yes, not huge, but I have some masculinity in my life! Keep ya updated

Feelin right vs Doing right

When you fall in love for the first time, it's the best thing in the world. You love him, he loves you, its stars all  around. This is the time to be selfish and drink up every moment. Then, you eventually marry, and it is harder. Not because of money, or occupations, or children. But because now It is all around selflessness. You soon figure out the code-Happy wife=happy life. Happy boy=life's a joy. But when your dating, being both selfless AND selfless are crucial. Hard, hard, hard. Now, being selfish includes giving yourself only to a person who "is worthy of you" and has your same standards. This is hard, because it requires patience. Being selfless proves to be just as hard if not harder, because it requires endurance. Someone will love you, and you care about them, treasure them, and need them. But you don't love him. Maybe you do, but because the timing is wrong, you can't allow your heart to consider whether or not he could actually be the one. True selflessness is being able to do the right thing when you know its not gonna feel right. It will cut you to the core, and that lonely ache in your chest will be your new companion for awhile. But, you always know that you've done the right thing is when you don't regret it. The hope that there is an even better option in the future is the flickering sunlight behind the mountains is what drives you to put the past behind you and turn and walk away.

October 19,2013. Random

Well, today I'm not feelin too much of anything. Just missin my boy... Who's the boy? I have no idea. I know someone who would be, but he's too close as my best friend, so I can't call him up anymore. I have no idea who my husband is, which is a good thing, but man I hope he has initiative and inspires me to get things done. I can't wait til I get on a mission cuz then I will feel like every single day I'm breathing I''m making a difference in someone else's life, even if it is just my comp. or my own. I'll finally be able to put my heart and soul to work and never get sick of it. Man, that's what I wish I had. I get to feeling so lazy, I don't want to do anything except mooch, and I do NOT wanna be that kind of parent, mine aren't like that and I hate that I am that way. I can't wait til the Lord puts me into work. It's not like I've had huge significant trial waiting. But it definitely was not what I was expecting, seeing I love being independent. But if I were to describe the hardest thing about waiting for a mission call, in one word I would say lonely. But I really hate whining, so I really am fine. It's just hard cuz the only person that understands what your feeling is the person your dedicating your life to, so you don't want to complain to Him. But its dumb cuz its not like I'm planning on getting married yet for the next little while, so it's not like I wouldn't be alone for the next year and a half. Man, guys really are never told how truly phenominal they are. Ah oh I love the priesthood, and I will forever admire them for their strength and their dedication and focus. Yes, we women are jewels, but you men are the gold that holds us together. Well there's my scattered thoughts for the day, not really wanting to delve into anything too deep today. Love ya, bye.

First time through Temple!

So I went through the Oquirrah Mountain Temple last Saturday, so the 12 of October, and received my endowments. I was worried, but it was so neat, and it felt so right. I was happy that nothing made me doubt, merely yearn to know & understand so much. My dad was super sick, but he was still able to be there, along with my mom who was my helper throughout it all. Also, other guests that came was Sid & her dad, Kim & Miguel, Jason and Heather, and Todd and Keri Russell. I was so glad they all were able to get into the session. It holds such a small group, but I feel like the Oquirrah Mountain is my temple in a way. I love it!!! The endowment is so neat, and so much to take in at once, but I have such a testimony and tender spot in my heart for the inititories. All I can say is nothing has ever felt so right and made me so happy. I was so worldy and worried and concerned and wierded out by the whole wearing garments concept, but honestly they feel so right. I feel like a better person who wants to continue to be made better. I physically seriously feel more beautiful, treasured, and protected. I feel separate from the world/ Virtuous and protected, that's how it makes me feel and I love the garments. I ever feel this pressing natural man inside of me, especially when I am trying on both old and new clothes that don't cover me in the way they need to anymore. But I'm doing my best to fight that. My boy will be attracted to the fact that I'm wearing garments, and worthy to. That sounds so weird, and I hope its not innapropriate to say, but that is such a turn on now!! I love it when guys bend over to pick something up and you see a little glimpse of their garment. Perhaps that's bad, and I really am sorry if it it, but I feel so happy and connected when I realize that they made the same covenants I did/ Foreals, its soooo cool! It is hard though, cuz now I know what people are missing out on. I just hope Brooke will go through, she really needs to. She needs to grow up, but don't we all? Well love ya, and take care.